How die neue these ended up gay as hell

When Tugay realised he was gay, he tried to erase his sexuality with an extreme form of his religion. Sitting in my bedroom alone, a wave of fear washed over me. I was 12 years old, confused, and scared — I was beginning to realise I was gay. I grew up in a Turkish neighbourhood in Berlin.

My family are conservative Muslims and my dad was always pretty strict. But we were still close and would play football in the street together almost every day. My dad had a different side to him, though, that I struggled with. I remember being out with my dad one time, and my little sister was in her buggy.

I grabbed the handles to push it, but he slapped my hand away and told me it "looked gay". I was also frightened of what people in my community would say. I had overheard people saying bad things about gay people on TV. I was attracted to boys and it made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Then when I was 13, I lost my dad to stomach cancer. The grief hit me hard. Religion became my way of coping — it gave me a sense of security. My inner turmoil about my sexuality and the loss of my father led me to sink into depression. My family was conservative but not particularly religious, but back then I was desperately searching for something to stop myself being gay.

I thought that if I devoted myself to my faith, I could forget about my sexuality. That how I started to follow a more radical form of Islam. They mostly adhered to a strict form of Sunni Islamexternal. I watched them as they glared into the camera, saying gay people would burn in hell, and I convinced myself that I must make that part of me go away.

While other kids my age were watching their favourite gamers or vloggers, I was binge-watching videos of these radical preachers. They were so charismatic in the way they presented these views that I could feel myself being sucked in. I felt my personality changing.

For about two years, I watched the videos in secret. By the time I was about 15, I started feeling like I wanted to be around other people who shared the views I saw onscreen. A school friend introduced me to a group of fellow Muslims, and I started hanging out with them in a local Turkish cafe.

I was naive - I mistakenly saw IS as a force for good, bringing Muslims together from all over the world to live under Islamic rule and take back 'our' lands. These other kids were, like me, feeling isolated for various reasons and were looking for something to give them purpose.

Gay Subtext in Supernatural

We all thought devoting ourselves to radical Islam was the answer. I grew a beard and stopped being affectionate to my family. She said it was because I was a soft and gentle person. One day, I got home from school and went to my bedroom without talking to anyone.

I knew I was behaving badly towards the people I loved — I was cold and aggressive, and would fight with my sister.